The break down of an intimate relationship or close friendship causes our self esteem to be dealt a substantial blow. We are often left feeling disorientated about our place in the world and we can forget how we ever existed before the relationship. We struggle to decipher a path to move forward because the person who would once have been our key support through tough times is now the reason we are trying to heal. With our confidante estranged, we must rally mates, make new ones and for some part, go it alone.
We should take this opportunity to reestablish our concept of self, build up our self-esteem and make up for opportunities that we may not have acted upon while in a relationship. It's important to focus on self-confidence and self-love. Relationships and friendships break down for any number of reasons: from life priorities and key interests being too different to clashing personality types or simply from growing apart.
Break ups don't happen because we aren't good enough, a break up is about two people, not one. However, focusing merely on the idea that we are still fabulous despite, losing our closest ally, isn't necessarily going to lift the cloud of gloom that is not doubt rubbishing our self-confidence and making the world seem like it's spinning in gray-scale. Feel fabulous is hard when you don't believe you are, in fact, fabulous.
There are a number of ways we can recapture the awesome that is us without a plus one, here are a few ideas:
1. Rebuild up your self-esteem
Do something you are good at but haven't had time to do in a while: running, creative writing, baking, theatre, making music, sewing your own clothes, knit a scarf.
Do something people will thank you for: volunteer your time, teach or tutor, bake for someone.
Learn a new skill: play the guitar, take ballet classes, learn to ice-skate, take Spanish language lessons.
Set a goal and start working towards meeting it: train and run a marathon, write an outline for your novel, make a fundraising goal for your favourite charity and organise a fundraiser to meet it, book a stall at the markets and start making stuff to sell.
2. Enjoy sunshine and fresh air
Plan a weekend getaway.
Get up and walk each morning.
Sit outside with a glass of wine and watch the sun set each evening.
Commit to lunch time in the park each day.
Walk to work instead of taking the bus.
Lay in the park to write.
Have you morning coffee in your garden rather than kitchen.
Use the time out in the fresh air to think, be thankful, gain clarity and look to the bigger picture.
3. Focus on your health
Be conscious of the food you are putting into your body: try increasing your energy by upping your fresh fruit and veggie intake. Have a flick through cooking magazines or recipe websites and find a new way to cook your favourite food. If you feel your current diet isn't working for you, try a new way of approaching food - would vegetarianism or more raw food work for you? Trial a new style of cooking and eating, even if only for one day a week.
Use you gym membership or get outside & move more: it is widely acknowledged that the best and most sustainable way to maintain a healthy body is to eat well and move more. In the aftermath of a relationship break down, you undoubtedly have more time to spend focusing on yourself, you should use this time wisely and start an exercise program. Get to the gym four times a week, join a netball team, start dance classes, go jogging. Figure out what sort of physical activity works best for you. A positive and sustainable work out routine is one that you feel happy and excited to get into.
Love dancing, vintage knickers and Dita Von Teese? Why not take a burlesque class or create your own routine?
Are you in awe of those marathon runners? Get training, register for a half marathon and keep working up to complete your first full marathon. Do it as a fundraising event for charity if you require extra motivation.
Do you bake fancy cupcakes every weekend? Why not apply for a stall at your local market and give selling your creations a go?
Are you a wonder with a knitting needle? List a few of your items on Etsy.
Do you write short stories? Why not put together a plot outline and start work on a novel?
Do you have a killer small business idea? Take a business course or find a mentor and make the first steps towards making your plan reality.
Fancy yourself an adventurer? Put down a deposit on that adventure holiday you've always dreamed of and open an account to start saving the rest of the money you'll need.
5. Avoid couples traps
Acknowledge that some places won't be happy places for you right now. Avoid them for a little while, or be bulletproof with a best mate at your side.
Don't do brunch if that was your 'us' thing. Do coffee and do it somewhere new, do it with your mate, do it with a copy of Vogue. Do it 'you' style, not 'us' style.
Don't go to a romantic comedy and expect it to make you feel warm and fuzzy immediately post-breakup. It won't. All of the couple moments will make you want to cry or throw things and all of the desperately-unhappy-single-girl moments will resonate and help you wallow in self-pity. Be smart, avoid the couple stomping grounds, for now.
6. Let there be change
Your routine will alter, but you need to accept that a different way to spend a Saturday won't ruin your life. Better still, try and accept that it may be even more fun than before.
Your circle of friends may change, it may not work to see some of the mutual friends and you need to work out who you need to spend time with in the post-break up period. You may feel lonely at first, but space away from reminders of your ex partner or bestie will give you time to decide what kind of friend is most important to you.
Your priorities may change and you need to ensure you are focusing on what is most important and best for you. You can listen more closely to your dreams & desires... and act on them.
Give yourself examples of the tried and true. Consider times when change has made your life far better than ever anticipated. Realise that it can and will happen again.
Remember that you don't need to make massive changes to start fresh after a break you. Your best you is still there. You need to recapture the parts of you that may have let slide or act on those little desires you ignored or relegated to the 'one-day' part of your mind when you were comfortably coupled up. You need to grab hold of all those shining qualities you exhibited in your relationship: caring, giving, loving, generous, self assured - all of the great characteristics that make you YOU don't get pushed into relationship purgatory at the end - they are still there and able to be harnessed into the rebuilding of a fabulous single version of you.
Over to you, what works for you after the break down of a close relationship? How do you pep up and move forward?
My friend recently went through a breakup and I was going to write about this! So I'll point her in this direction instead :) Great advice. I find that for me feeling busy in any way helps tremendously!
Concept of self is sooo important...all of these suggestions are great and would also be a good way to get past a relationship rut. (Even when I'm seeing someone, I need to take time to cultivate myself.)
fab entry - sometimes it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and faking it 'til you make it...also, chocolate.
thanks for the comment you left on my blog, btw - i had to come here and check yours out. i too share a deep abiding love for david tennant and john barrowman. wonderfulness. sigh.
Rachel High-five! Barrowman & Tennant are the greatest, aren't they? I love what you say about 'faking it until you make it' ... that's so important, putting up the front until you find the confidence to match the bravado.
Kate is the 23 year old Australian web editor behind treslola.com (and tresviva.com).
After 3 years of living and working in New Zealand and the United Kingdom, Kate has returned to Sydney to study journalism.
Her adoration runs deep for London, dumplings, bubble tea, David Tennant, John Barrowman, How I Met Your Mother, Peaches, travel, progressive activism and writing. Learn more about Kate and treslola.com here.
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Kate @ Tres Lola said...
Kate is the 23 year old Australian web editor behind treslola.com (and 
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